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Post by noah pelham on Mar 6, 2012 23:38:31 GMT -5
It was a strange experience, being back in this place. It'd been a long time. Oh, Noah didn't count the multiple times he'd visited in order to do a bit of preaching of sorts to the mutant folk; no, he hadn't really been here during those times. But now, alone and without a bodyguard, in the late night - this was when he could shed his ambassador skin and roam like he used to do.
Stepping into the park let a swarm of memories wash over him. The damp scent of the grass led to reminiscent nights of sneaking across this very fabled park to a small house in the residential area of western osiris. Oh, it almost killed him to be here again - after what he'd done, what he'd become - but he had to. He was so sick and tired of feeling sick and tired; and he'd held himself back for this long, hadn't he? He'd managed to stay away, really stay away, for this long.
It'd been years. Noah Pelham had spent years carefully putting his image back together, keeping away from certain spots so to not grow weak again. But now that his position was secure, he felt like it would be okay to indulge himself a little.
A soft drizzle began to fall, darkening the man's chocolate locks moreso than they already were. He found a familiar spot beneath a large, wide-leaf tree, seating himself and taking in a deep breath. How many nights had he spent here, in the same spot - with one other? How many moments wasted?
"I need to get out of this business," he muttered to himself, dragging his fingers through his hair. oh the shame that sent me off from the god that i loved was the same that sent me into your arms words ### tagged alonzo comments sniff sniff template © lise of back to neverland
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Post by alonzo castillo on Mar 7, 2012 0:10:47 GMT -5
[atrb=border,0,true][atrb=width,410,bTable] | [atrb=style, background-color: #F2F2F2; border-top: 5px solid #A75252; border-bottom: 5px solid #A75252][STYLE=margin-left: 10px; margin-bottom:-13px; margin-right: 50px; text-align:right; font-size:20px; font-family: courier new; text-transform: uppercase; color: #972323; text-shadow: 0.1em 0em 0.1em #432424;]I THOUGHT YOU WANTED ME[/style][STYLE=margin-left: 10px; margin-bottom:-50px; margin-right: 10px; text-align:right; font-size:12px; font-family: courier new; text-shadow: 0.1em 0.1em 0em #432424; text-transform: uppercase; color: #E6CFCF;]'CAUSE I WANT YOU ALL TO MYSELF![/style][STYLE=margin-left: 10px; margin-top: 50px; margin-right: 10px; text-align:center; font-size:9px; font-family: georgia; color: #8C8C8C; border-top: 5px dotted #A75252;] [/style][STYLE=font-size:9px; font-family: arial; margin-left:15px; width: 300px; height: 250px; overflow: auto; text-align: justify; background-color: #F7F7F7; border-top: 4px solid #A75252; border-bottom: 4px solid #A75252; padding: 8px; color: #6E6E6E]Not even the gentle pitter patter of the rain could lull him to sleep. He had been so restless these nights, he thought. Sleep, he felt, was something of a myth now. He wasn't quite sure what had provoked his nights of sleeplessness. Perhaps it was hyperness. Perhaps it was a nightmare? He hadn't the faintest notion. Alonzo so rarely recalled his dreams after all. He remained in the bed, quiet. Numb. Unfeeling. He rolled onto his side, amber eyes peering through the dampening window. He eyed a particularly strange figure wandering through the Western Osiris District. His heart thrummed in his rib cage. Was it? No, it couldn't. Silly boy, he thought. He always got so excited when he saw people that even had the faint likeness of that man. The man that denied his existence. Denied his love for the boy. Denied him everything when that same man promised him the world. He hated him. He loathed him. He wanted him to die. Yet, at the same time; his heart would not be still. Not at the thought of the very man that he once-- no, still --loved. His feet moved on their own. Alonzo, checking to make sure everyone was asleep, left the house without so much as another word. He grasped the fabric of his jacket, throwing it on as he slid on his shoes too. And like that, out the door he went. He wanted to know. No, wait. He needed to know. His words would betray his mind, he knew. But he had to speak to the man that shunned him now. Pretended as though he didn't exist. He, Alonzo Castillo, was nothing more than an easy lay. How easily he had fallen for the human. How easily he had been swept away by the man's words. How easily he had his heart broken. Foolish. That was what he knew himself to be and that was what his sister knew him to be. The redhead ended up the same spot that he knew he had promised himself to never to return to. That same spot where he had sat for hours and hours, waiting for his other to come and apologize for the words that had been spoken. He knew he had been the one to break the two of them up. But, he supposed the affairs of the heart betrayed rationality. And here he was again, staring down quietly at the other. He lifted his hand, hesitating for a moment. The stinging sensation had already began to build in the palm of his hand, but he didn't move. If he hit him, he thought. Surely, the bastard would have him arrested for harming the ambassador. The goddamn asshole that left him here to rot. Left him here to suffer alone. His arm fell back down to his side as angry tears began to form at the base of his eyes. " Mi corazon." Pause. " No, cochino. Why are you here?" He said bitterly. " Here to sleep with me and run away again?" Alonzo said next, biting the corner of his bottom lip. " Hombre estúpido, sucio. ¿Has venido a hacerme llorar más? Hacerme sufrir más? ¿Por qué estás aquí?" [/style] MADE BY KIWII OF BTN & OTE |
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Post by noah pelham on Mar 7, 2012 0:28:41 GMT -5
Did a small part of him believe that Alonzo would show up this evening? Maybe. Did a bigger part of him hope that Alonzo would? Absolutely. That day when he had been accosted by reporters asking about the rumors being spread around that he was having relations with a mutant, and a man no less, the words had left his mouth before he could even decide if it was the path he wanted to take. All he could remember was the overwhelming panic as the people swarmed around him, and the alarming pressure to get out of the situation. He couldn't lose his power. Not now. Not after he'd worked so hard to get there. Not after his parents, and Adelie - not after they'd given up so much.
"Absolutely not," were the words that had first come out of his mouth. Those damnable words. How could he have thought that was a good idea? Surely, it he'd had noble intentions; to keep his parents, wherever they were now, proud of him. To try and stay in a place where he could finally put Adelie in a safer place than the orphanage. But maybe they weren't proud of his decision to shirk the only thing he'd ever loved more than his own family, more than his own self. Sure, he'd always been self-serving. But he'd never been able to feel more comfortable with a person than he had felt with Alonzo.
Noah's head shot up at the sound of Alonzo's voice. He swallowed thickly - he'd hoped, he really had, but he hadn't thought it would actually happen - and winced at the harsh, angry words. He very much had a hard time understanding the Spanish, but he could understand the gist of it from the time that they had spent together. He swallowed again, looked down, looked away - but he couldn't not for long, and instead fixed his ocean blue gaze on the redhead. Oh, but he could have sat there and drank in the other boy's features for ever.
"Alonzo," he started, but the words that somehow came so eloquently into his head seemed to struggle now that the moment came. He daren't look away from the other boy. "I don't know where to begin. I came because I-" Because he what? What could he say? Where could he start? "I wanted to talk to you. I wanted to explain. There's so much I want you to know. Even if you don't forgive me." Noah shook his head, taking in a deep breath. "No, I wouldn't expect you to forgive me. But at least try to... Understand..." oh the shame that sent me off from the god that i loved was the same that sent me into your arms words ### tagged alonzo comments sniff sniff template © lise of back to neverland
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Post by alonzo castillo on Mar 7, 2012 1:07:11 GMT -5
[atrb=border,0,true][atrb=width,410,bTable] | [atrb=style, background-color: #F2F2F2; border-top: 5px solid #A75252; border-bottom: 5px solid #A75252][STYLE=margin-left: 10px; margin-bottom:-13px; margin-right: 50px; text-align:right; font-size:20px; font-family: courier new; text-transform: uppercase; color: #972323; text-shadow: 0.1em 0em 0.1em #432424;]I THOUGHT YOU WANTED ME[/style][STYLE=margin-left: 10px; margin-bottom:-50px; margin-right: 10px; text-align:right; font-size:12px; font-family: courier new; text-shadow: 0.1em 0.1em 0em #432424; text-transform: uppercase; color: #E6CFCF;]'CAUSE I WANT YOU ALL TO MYSELF![/style][STYLE=margin-left: 10px; margin-top: 50px; margin-right: 10px; text-align:center; font-size:9px; font-family: georgia; color: #8C8C8C; border-top: 5px dotted #A75252;] [/style][STYLE=font-size:9px; font-family: arial; margin-left:15px; width: 300px; height: 250px; overflow: auto; text-align: justify; background-color: #F7F7F7; border-top: 4px solid #A75252; border-bottom: 4px solid #A75252; padding: 8px; color: #6E6E6E]He hadn't expected it when he saw what happened. His friend had called him over, pointing out the man to him. Alonzo had smiled, of course. He wanted the whole world to know. He was tired of keeping secrets and having to sneak around everyone. Having to hide just to go on dates and even then. They never had one. Not as far as he could recall. " Absolutely not." He remembered those words even now. No. He didn't exist. No, he had never had a relationship with a mutant. Much less a man. Alonzo was an embarrassment to him. He didn't want to believe what he had heard. What he had seen him say, but there was no denying it. No way. So here he was now, furious. Mad because he didn't understand. Crying because he was never given an apology. Happy because he finally got to see him after years. He missed him. He missed him so much. Ocean blue met amber and he only could stand still for a moment longer. He found no words coming to his Spanish tongue and the other failed to speak too. He wasn't sure what to do now, he thought. It had been a mistake. It really, really was. Damn that man, Alonzo thought. He knew what to say. He always knew what to say. " Explain what." He snapped. " That your job was more important to you than I was? Everything you ever told me was a lie?" He said next, angry tears spilling over. " I understand perfectly." Stop it, stop it, stop it. His words continued as the other tried to apologize to him. Or rather, was beginning to apologize to him. He wanted to hear it. He did. He wanted Noah to say he was sorry. That he had been forced to say it. Anything to restore Alonzo's confidence in him. That he loved him. That everything they ever had wasn't a mistake. That Alonzo wasn't the only one who was still hurting after all these years. But he didn't want to hear it at the same time. What would prevent the man from doing the same thing again? What if the same situation happened again? Then surely, he thought, Alonzo would get tossed away again for the sake of the other's job. He didn't want to fall back in. He didn't want to trust him. He didn't want to hear. " Just came to make fun of me, huh?" Shut up, shut up, shut up! " I was stupid enough to think that it wasn't a joke." [/style] MADE BY KIWII OF BTN & OTE |
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Post by noah pelham on Mar 7, 2012 1:20:22 GMT -5
"no-"
the word came out like a broken record. how many times had he said that word in the last few years? over and over again, denying, exploiting, twisting - every different way you could use it, there was only a negative connotation. the word filled him up to the brim. if he had been cut open from chin to belly, all that would ever come out of him was no.
but somehow, this time felt different. his no meant please stop; i want to explain, i want to say i'm sorry, i want i want i want. even after he had dumped alonzo in the dust he still wanted like a child, like he deserved to take and never give back. he didn't, but he acted like he did.
"i didn't!" he sounded like a petulant child, this sudden exclamation as he lost the regular poise and eloquence he tried to exude. he bit his tongue sharply, feeling the blood flood a bit in his mouth and swallowed thickly. "i didn't - i didn't come here to make you feel worse," noah started again, trying to gather his thoughts into compliant order. where could he start? should he start in the beginning, like david copperfield - he was born, and then he grew up? no, no, he should...
"i came here," he said, his voice firm now as he stood and grabbed alonzo's hand firmly, "because for once i wanted to do something for myself. because this time i'm doing it for me - not for my job, not for my family. i don't have to worry about that anymore."
a tiny part of him whispered, oh, right, because now that adelie's dead it's alright to go back to your mutant lover? but he shoved it down violently, trembling a bit.
"what i did - it wasn't because i didn't love you." there, that was a good start. "it wasn't the right time. there's so much i'm trying to do, so much i'm trying to fix..." he swallowed, forced himself to keep eye contact. "i didn't want to share you with anyone else. i wanted to have something to myself, that i could keep out of my job. and then those reporters came and swarmed me, and i couldn't get out-" he had to stop, and take a deep breath. "i didn't do the right thing. but i did it because i had a lot more than just my love for you riding on my job at that point."
noah took in another deep breath and dropped the hand he'd been holding to run his fingers through his dark hair. "i just couldn't stand not seeing you anymore, allie." oh the shame that sent me off from the god that i loved was the same that sent me into your arms words ### tagged alonzo comments sniff sniff template © lise of back to neverland
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Post by alonzo castillo on Mar 7, 2012 1:48:07 GMT -5
[atrb=border,0,true][atrb=width,410,bTable] | [atrb=style, background-color: #F2F2F2; border-top: 5px solid #A75252; border-bottom: 5px solid #A75252][STYLE=margin-left: 10px; margin-bottom:-13px; margin-right: 50px; text-align:right; font-size:20px; font-family: courier new; text-transform: uppercase; color: #972323; text-shadow: 0.1em 0em 0.1em #432424;]I THOUGHT YOU WANTED ME[/style][STYLE=margin-left: 10px; margin-bottom:-50px; margin-right: 10px; text-align:right; font-size:12px; font-family: courier new; text-shadow: 0.1em 0.1em 0em #432424; text-transform: uppercase; color: #E6CFCF;]'CAUSE I WANT YOU ALL TO MYSELF![/style][STYLE=margin-left: 10px; margin-top: 50px; margin-right: 10px; text-align:center; font-size:9px; font-family: georgia; color: #8C8C8C; border-top: 5px dotted #A75252;] [/style][STYLE=font-size:9px; font-family: arial; margin-left:15px; width: 300px; height: 250px; overflow: auto; text-align: justify; background-color: #F7F7F7; border-top: 4px solid #A75252; border-bottom: 4px solid #A75252; padding: 8px; color: #6E6E6E]No. Was that all he knew how to say was 'no'? No, Allie. We can't go on a date because people will judge us. No, Allie. We can't do that. No, Allie. That isn't allowed. And now what was it? No, he hadn't come to make fun of the redhead. It felt like a lie. Just by being alive, standing there in front of him. It had to have been a lie. He wanted something, Alonzo thought. He spoke no words, only listening quietly as the other spoke to him. Noah grasped his hand then and sudden heat surged through his hand and up his arm. That damn man always had a way to make him nervous. Allie slipped his fingers in between the other's unconsciously, quiet still as he spoke. It wasn't for his job now? And his family. What of them? He spoke only of his parents. But they had died years ago. Who was this for then, he thought. " You could have just told me that." He answered, voice quieter than the rain itself. " I would have backed off... pretended for a little while..." His breath hitched in his throat then. So, did. Did that mean it was less important? The boy supposed as much. Alonzo was less important, though he could sympathize. Family was most important above all else. His hand slipped away from the redhead's slender fingers. Allie only curled his fingers inward, listening quietly. " Why should I believe you?" He replied quickly. " Why? Give me on reason." Just one. It was all he wanted. [/style] MADE BY KIWII OF BTN & OTE |
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Post by noah pelham on Mar 7, 2012 1:58:54 GMT -5
did he have a reason? did he have any justification, really, for what he did? or was he just a poor, stupid man trying to get back what he lost because he missed it so much? noah could hardly tell the difference anymore. oh, his life had been perfectly nice and fine before he'd met alonzo. no, really, it had. though his parents had, at first, pushed him into a job he didn't want, it had grown into a job that he loved. his parents passed away. but adelie was still there, and as her big brother, he'd had a duty to protect her. he didn't get paid much, and the best place for her at that point was the orphanage, but then she started getting sick. and the bills got longer. and his paycheck seemed to shrink by the day.
but noah didn't have any reason for alonzo to believe him. he felt his heart crumple at that realization. there was nothing he could say now that would make the other boy forgive him, nothing that was reasonable enough to make him understand that it had all been for something more. no, alonzo didn't matter less; noah had simply been putting his family first, the one that needed the immediate attention. if he'd gone into the big warfield that was admitting to be with allie, then he wouldn't have been able to take care of adelie for as long as he did.
all the good it did, anyway.
"because i love you." the words slipped from his mouth before he could stop them. he sucked in a sharp breath, instantly regretting them; there was no way alonzo was going to believe him. there had been too many stories of people throwing around the words 'i love you' like they had no meaning anymore, making the phrase lose its affect. of course, the words were true - very true, in this case - but cynical noah could only think of how cheap it sounded in this moment.
he'd struggled with the words before in their relationship. and now? they just came out.
"what i mean to say is," noah started again, is that... hell, alonzo. i still - still feel the same way about you as i did before. there's still a lot you don't know, a lot that i'd like to tell you about. but i can't do that if you don't trust me." he took allie's hand once more, this time in an attempt to comfort himself. it would be okay. it would be alright.
he took a deep breath.
"please," he said, a little more quietly this time. "i just want to have a chance at making things right again. but you have to trust me." oh the shame that sent me off from the god that i loved was the same that sent me into your arms words ### tagged alonzo comments sniff sniff template © lise of back to neverland
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Post by alonzo castillo on Mar 8, 2012 1:19:43 GMT -5
[atrb=border,0,true][atrb=width,410,bTable] | [atrb=style, background-color: #F2F2F2; border-top: 5px solid #A75252; border-bottom: 5px solid #A75252][STYLE=margin-left: 10px; margin-bottom:-13px; margin-right: 50px; text-align:right; font-size:20px; font-family: courier new; text-transform: uppercase; color: #972323; text-shadow: 0.1em 0em 0.1em #432424;]I THOUGHT YOU WANTED ME[/style][STYLE=margin-left: 10px; margin-bottom:-50px; margin-right: 10px; text-align:right; font-size:12px; font-family: courier new; text-shadow: 0.1em 0.1em 0em #432424; text-transform: uppercase; color: #E6CFCF;]'CAUSE I WANT YOU ALL TO MYSELF![/style][STYLE=margin-left: 10px; margin-top: 50px; margin-right: 10px; text-align:center; font-size:9px; font-family: georgia; color: #8C8C8C; border-top: 5px dotted #A75252;] [/style][STYLE=font-size:9px; font-family: arial; margin-left:15px; width: 300px; height: 250px; overflow: auto; text-align: justify; background-color: #F7F7F7; border-top: 4px solid #A75252; border-bottom: 4px solid #A75252; padding: 8px; color: #6E6E6E]"Because I love you." " Please don't say that again." His words came quick. He hadn't even processed the information himself. He loved him? The very words that he had longed to hear for so long now made his heart thud in his chest. Slowly, painfully. Did a big part of him want to believe it? Of course. But the other rejected the thought. And out the door went the lingering emotions that stalled his words. He was just one of those people who threw the three word phrase around like it was nothing, Alonzo thought. That had to be it. There was no other rhyme or reason to tell him otherwise. Well, perhaps there was. But he wasn't about to actively look for it. He was quiet, listening to the other man's explanation. Liar, liar, liar! He thought, though the pains in his chest were throbbing now. It was hard to breathe. Though, Allie wondered, what were these emotions that stirred inside him? Anger, mistrust, exasperation, happiness...? He didn't know. He just. He didn't want to hear him say it again. He was a liar, Alonzo thought. He trusted him once and it had fallen apart on him. Quiet then, the redhead only watched as the other grasped his hands. He looked desperate, drowning in fear. Looking for anything, no. Anyone to cling to. Pathetic. Pathetic. Amber eyes stared quietly at the other. He brushed his thumb over the top of the other's hand gently. Did he dare interrogate him for more? No, Alonzo thought. He would receive the answers soon enough. " Trust is not earned so easily. You had it once and lost it." Allie lifted his other hand and wrapped it around Noah's, kissing the top of the other's hand gently. " You're going to have to start from the beginning again," He said. Allie moved again, tugging on the other's arm gently. " Lleva mucho. We will talk in a dry place. Te hablas. " [/style] MADE BY KIWII OF BTN & OTE |
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Post by noah pelham on Mar 8, 2012 22:37:50 GMT -5
noah began to despair. how would he ever get back to where he was with allie if the other boy couldn't trust him? how he could earn that trust if he was already in the doghouse? he wasn't good at this relationship thing - alonzo knew that - and he'd hoped that he could explain everything eloquently enough so that allie could understand. once he did, noah had a feeling that everything would be better. or at least a little bit improved.
the brunette gave a little sigh when the younger kissed his hand. even in his afflicted state, the lightest touch could send electrical currents throughout his nervous system, leaving the endings fried. he felt raw. raw and open and vulnerable, and the feeling was so rare and so foreign to him that it clotted his gears and made everything for him work a little slower. he'd never been in a position like this, a position where he cared this much and wanted this much and didn't know how he was supposed to get it.
taking in a deep breath, he nodded. "that's... yeah, that's a good idea," he replied. "where do you want to go? we could find a cafe or something, or my house..." he trailed off, unsure of how to proceed exactly. where was the line? where was off-limits? he certainly didn't want to return to the redhead's house, not really - not with all of those memories there. he wasn't ready for that yet. too sore.
he took another deep, shaky breath. the hardest part. "if it makes any difference," he started, a little tentatively, "i'm sorry." he didn't know what to add on to it - there was so much to add, so much to put, but all of the words in the world couldn't help him now, he felt. so instead, he just traced the idea of it in small circles over alonzo's hand - tiny circles with his thumb, thinking it over and over again.
i'm sorry. i love you. i'm sorry. oh the shame that sent me off from the god that i loved was the same that sent me into your arms words ### tagged alonzo comments blargh template © lise of back to neverland
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Post by alonzo castillo on Mar 13, 2012 0:37:41 GMT -5
[atrb=border,0,true][atrb=width,410,bTable] | [atrb=style, background-color: #F2F2F2; border-top: 5px solid #A75252; border-bottom: 5px solid #A75252][STYLE=margin-left: 10px; margin-bottom:-13px; margin-right: 50px; text-align:right; font-size:20px; font-family: courier new; text-transform: uppercase; color: #972323; text-shadow: 0.1em 0em 0.1em #432424;]I THOUGHT YOU WANTED ME[/style][STYLE=margin-left: 10px; margin-bottom:-50px; margin-right: 10px; text-align:right; font-size:12px; font-family: courier new; text-shadow: 0.1em 0.1em 0em #432424; text-transform: uppercase; color: #E6CFCF;]'CAUSE I WANT YOU ALL TO MYSELF![/style][STYLE=margin-left: 10px; margin-top: 50px; margin-right: 10px; text-align:center; font-size:9px; font-family: georgia; color: #8C8C8C; border-top: 5px dotted #A75252;] [/style][STYLE=font-size:9px; font-family: arial; margin-left:15px; width: 300px; height: 250px; overflow: auto; text-align: justify; background-color: #F7F7F7; border-top: 4px solid #A75252; border-bottom: 4px solid #A75252; padding: 8px; color: #6E6E6E]Trust was earned, he thought. It was not so easily gained but lost within a minute. Alonzo thought he had closed off his heart long ago, but he was failing. He knew it. He had to will every muscle in his body to keep from tackling the other man down. He didn't want to trust him. Every thought in his mind betrayed his body and every action he made betrayed his thoughts. Noah wasn't good at this, he knew. Just a little of the many things he knew about the other. " Don't think too much about it." He said quickly, clearing his throat. It was hard to breathe with his hand in the other's. All his senses were on fire and he struggled even now to think coherently. He didn't know how much this affected the other. He didn't know how much these small touches were making it harder for the other. " Your house...?" He said numbly. He had never been able to go to the politician's home. It was too dangerous, he thought. Not only for Noah but for himself as well. They could kill him. Perhaps it was paranoia, but. He could be found. The hand that held the other's turned to mist at the thought. The more he was around this man, the more likely he was going to be hurt in the end. And the more he was going to hurt the other too. " You seem to have forgotten." He replied, offering a small half smile. " I am allowed in none of those places." The other spoke volumes, it felt. He was quiet. Unsure of what to say or do. How was he supposed to answer? Or rather, how was he expected to answer? I'm sorry, I'm sorry. That seemed to be the only words that Noah knew. Allie knew it meant more. So much more than the words spoken. That was how things always had been, he thought. " ¿Por qué crees que es tan fácil de obtener mi perdón?" He said next, swallowing hard. Alonzo opened his mouth to speak again as his hand became solid again. " I wish I could understand, Noah. But. You don't understand how much... how much you hurt me." Allie headed towards the small bar in the ruins of the district. It was not the most pleasant place to speak. But it was dry and warm. And he doubted that the other wanted to be anywhere near his home again. It was where everything had began and everything had ended. That first night and the ones that followed after meant nothing now, he thought. " I was upset. I was mad. I still am mad... I... I..." He paused in his walk. The words failed to come to his mind. " I waited for so long, hoping you'd come back. Hoping that maybe someone forced you to say it. To deny me, deny our relationship. I thought maybe your advisors told you too..." Pause. " I would have forgiven you then." Alonzo lowered his head, only listening as the rain poured overhead. He wasn't sure if the other was speaking. Or if the man was even listening to what he was saying. " But when you never came, I thought. Maybe I wasn't important enough to you to even say goodbye. Or maybe that was just your way of indirectly breaking it off with me. Because I'm an embarrassment to you." He continued. Why was he still talking, Allie thought. He couldn't stop it. The words that he had held back for so long continued and continued. He wanted it to stop. He didn't want him to know. " I thought that maybe you've grown tired of me... and maybe I was getting too attached to someone who didn't love me back." Tears brimmed at the edges of his eyes and he struggled to define the line between his native tongue and the English that Noah understood. " Pero, now you are here. And que me dices que me amas. I do not know what to believe anymore." [/style] MADE BY KIWII OF BTN & OTE |
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Post by noah pelham on Mar 18, 2012 22:39:05 GMT -5
he knew that he was asking too much, too fast when he mentioned his house. the words left the other boy's lips like a poison, leaving noah feeling drained already at the thought of having pushed him away further. as if he could keep alonzo close to him, his hand tightened in the redhead's, desperately. don't leave, it said. don't let me miss you again. and he didn't want to. noah dreaded the moment he would have to separate from alonzo, if only because the redhead was the one thing he had left in the world to cherish.
his sorrow was swallowing him up, starting as a thick, black, sick rock in the pit of his stomach. he wished he could just - just give alonzo everything; let alonzo see what he'd been going through these past months, so that he would know that noah was being genuine. all of the nights he had laid in bed, waiting impatiently for sleep; the mornings he woke up with dark circles under his eyes, waving away his advisors. the increasing irritation. the nastiness; telling his advisors he was tired of being an ambassador, let the world go do themselves, he was tired of being the world's cleaning maid. let him have some time to himself, damn it.
he never cried, though. well, he did - but he cried without crying, you know. the kind of crying that happens when you're so sick of being so sick that you just bury yourself in your blankets and act like a petulant child, refusing to come out again. you sit there until you're sure you're going to suffocate. and then you bury yourself deeper and deeper, hoping that you do suffocate - because, morbidly enough, that option seems better than the life you are living right then.
noah listened attentively. he always listened attentively. he let alonzo speak, let the redhead take his heart, snap it in half viciously, and then put it back together - to let it fall apart again. he listened and he threaded their fingers together more firmly, but he couldn't take it. he couldn't take it.
he was so sick of being so sick.
noah tugged on alonzo's hand, moving close to the boy until their foreheads were touching and he could feel the breath of the other on his lips. and it was deliciously, destructively intoxicating, this feeling; and the brunette close the distance between them, relishing in the feel of the contact of their lips in a broken, raw kiss.
"believe me," he insisted, breathless, broken. "believe in that. please say you still do." oh the shame that sent me off from the god that i loved was the same that sent me into your arms words ### tagged alonzo comments I'M SORRY I WISH HE'D SPOKEN MORE BUT I DIDN'T KNOW WHAT TO HAVE HIM SAY BECAUSE HE IS AWKWARD. )8 template © lise of back to neverland
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Post by alonzo castillo on Mar 19, 2012 0:05:05 GMT -5
[atrb=border,0,true][atrb=width,410,bTable] | [atrb=style, background-color: #F2F2F2; border-top: 5px solid #A75252; border-bottom: 5px solid #A75252][STYLE=margin-left: 10px; margin-bottom:-13px; margin-right: 50px; text-align:right; font-size:20px; font-family: courier new; text-transform: uppercase; color: #972323; text-shadow: 0.1em 0em 0.1em #432424;]I THOUGHT YOU WANTED ME[/style][STYLE=margin-left: 10px; margin-bottom:-50px; margin-right: 10px; text-align:right; font-size:12px; font-family: courier new; text-shadow: 0.1em 0.1em 0em #432424; text-transform: uppercase; color: #E6CFCF;]'CAUSE I WANT YOU ALL TO MYSELF![/style][STYLE=margin-left: 10px; margin-top: 50px; margin-right: 10px; text-align:center; font-size:9px; font-family: georgia; color: #8C8C8C; border-top: 5px dotted #A75252;] [/style][STYLE=font-size:9px; font-family: arial; margin-left:15px; width: 300px; height: 250px; overflow: auto; text-align: justify; background-color: #F7F7F7; border-top: 4px solid #A75252; border-bottom: 4px solid #A75252; padding: 8px; color: #6E6E6E]Was he being the selfish one here? Maybe. Just a little. How was he supposed to answer? All of the sudden, Noah had fallen back into his life after the redhead had just barely reconstructed the walls around his heart. Now they were crumbling again and so was Alonzo. How did he manage to do it? No one, it felt, seemed to let him continue happily in the small world that involved only him and his sister. He was never given that simple pleasure, he realized. Noah's hand burned in his. It burned. His heart thudded in his chest a bit faster. He remembered when this same sensation was the only thing that he wanted from the other, though now it was the thing that he dreaded. His thumb brushed over the other's hand in small circles. Don't leave me again, he thought. I wouldn't be able to handle it. All those words and so many more. So many lingered in his head but he refused them. It wasn't possible. It couldn't be possible. He wouldn't allow it. And in a single movement, it all disappeared. The rest of the world. Every minute he had spent crying over the other. Every minute that he had spent laughing with him. Every last word and kiss that they shared. Amber eyes widened as he stood there, confused. Why? Why, why, why? " Believe me," Allie lifted his hand and moved to strike the other hard across the face. He hesitated. " W- Why do you do this to me?" He lifted his hands hesitantly, wrapping his thin fingers around the other's neck. It was so easy, so, so easy. He would have let him. He would have let him do it. " You make it so hard to hate you." Allie said softly, moving again and wrapping his arms around the other gently. He leaned his head on the other man's shoulder gently, only mumbling soft words. " You stupid man. Te amo." [/style] MADE BY KIWII OF BTN & OTE |
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Post by noah pelham on Mar 19, 2012 0:19:41 GMT -5
there it was again - that swallowing, aching sorrow that made him feel like he was drowning. he wanted to kiss alonzo again. he wanted to kiss away all of the pain and the tears, awkward as he was with this, unpracticed and out of style in comparison to the youthful redhead who, in most terms, was so confident with himself. noah didn't know how to be a good boyfriend. he only that he - well, that he felt a lot of feelings for alonzo, and that these were all very important to him. moreso now than ever.
but he didn't kiss allie again. he just stayed there, one hand reaching up to brush through the red hair, wanting to tangle there, stay there, caress him until he forgave him., if that was possible. he felt entirely overwhelmed all at once with all of this. the great emotion swelling in his chest until he thought he would burst, the crushing, paralyzing fear of losing him forever.
he felt allie lift his hand - to strike him. noah shut his eyes tightly, bracing himself, waiting for the sting. but it never came. i wouldn't have done anything, a desperate part of him said. if that's what you needed to forgive me, i would have taken it. for you, i would have.
noah was a proud man. but he felt broken in half but this poor boy, whom he'd broken so long ago.
at first, the embrace was tentative - but as it became more comfortable, more familiar, noah exhaled a breath he didn't realize he'd been holding. he swallowed thickly. those last words - te amo - he could understand. he knew what those meant. he'd heard them sometimes, in those heated nights after their love-making; underneath the sheets like a pair of children in love, entangled as they whispered the words.
"i told you i loved you," noah said, pressing his lips to the top of the boy's head as he slid his arms around the slender waist, pulling him closer. "i meant it, alonzo. i know you don't believe, but so long as you know i said it and meant it, i feel better." not good, a nasty voice intoned, but better. thank goodness noah feels better. the world can take a break now, can't it?
noah held on a little tighter.
"i had a sister," he said quietly, nearly silent. the words tasted bitter on his tongue. "she depended on me for everything. she lived in the orphanage because i couldn't take care of her and our parents were dead." he paused again. heavy, weighted things stuck in his throat, but he tried to speak around them anyway. "when the rumor started, i knew that if i outed myself right then, i would lose my job. and i thought about my sister - alone, unable to work, sick and dying - and i just couldn't do it. i know it hurt you, alonzo. but i didn't mean it to. it was supposed to save her." his voice caught, breaking miserably. he felt that swelling not-crying crying begin to start, the tears pooling but not quite pushing over yet. "it didn't. she died anyway." oh the shame that sent me off from the god that i loved was the same that sent me into your arms words ### tagged alonzo comments sniff sniff template © lise of back to neverland
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Post by alonzo castillo on Mar 19, 2012 1:12:47 GMT -5
[atrb=border,0,true][atrb=width,410,bTable] | [atrb=style, background-color: #F2F2F2; border-top: 5px solid #A75252; border-bottom: 5px solid #A75252][STYLE=margin-left: 10px; margin-bottom:-13px; margin-right: 50px; text-align:right; font-size:20px; font-family: courier new; text-transform: uppercase; color: #972323; text-shadow: 0.1em 0em 0.1em #432424;]I THOUGHT YOU WANTED ME[/style][STYLE=margin-left: 10px; margin-bottom:-50px; margin-right: 10px; text-align:right; font-size:12px; font-family: courier new; text-shadow: 0.1em 0.1em 0em #432424; text-transform: uppercase; color: #E6CFCF;]'CAUSE I WANT YOU ALL TO MYSELF![/style][STYLE=margin-left: 10px; margin-top: 50px; margin-right: 10px; text-align:center; font-size:9px; font-family: georgia; color: #8C8C8C; border-top: 5px dotted #A75252;] [/style][STYLE=font-size:9px; font-family: arial; margin-left:15px; width: 300px; height: 250px; overflow: auto; text-align: justify; background-color: #F7F7F7; border-top: 4px solid #A75252; border-bottom: 4px solid #A75252; padding: 8px; color: #6E6E6E]Confident? In himself? What a joke. Alonzo never had much confidence in himself, he knew. Not even as a lover could he pride himself in. If that was something that could have been prided in anyway. He feared so much. Maybe he was doing the wrong thing. Was he touching too much? Did he need, want too much? He never knew. Perhaps that was why they got along, he thought. Noah was just as awkward as he, if not a little bit worse off. He was still worried, had always been worried. Even before all of this had happened. He feared that someday Noah would have found some woman he would love as much as he loved Alonzo. That was better for him, wasn't it? He trembled in the other's arms at the thought. He could be replaced so easily, he thought. So easily. His heart thudded in his chest as he stood there with the other. Silent, unsure. Why should you trust him? He thought. Why, why, why? He had given him so many reasons not to but. He couldn't-- no, wouldn't --leave Noah like this. He wouldn't leave him as broken as he had been. He needed him now more than ever. " Te amo, Noah." He repeated, holding onto him. What if this was all a dream, he thought. He didn't want to wake up from this dream. Noah would have been gone then. He wanted to hold onto him for as long as he could, if he could. Just a moment longer, he thought. That was all he needed. " I know you did." He lifted his head up to look at the other. His next words make guilt sink in the pit of his stomach. Was that why he had abandoned him? Alonzo lowered his gaze, staring quietly at the man's collarbone. He had been angry for so long. Maybe he had been cheating on him, Alonzo had thought. But now that it was out. Now that he knew, he no longer felt angry. It was replaced by only guilt. He had put him through all of this for his sister. It was understandable, Alonzo thought. He would have done just the same. They were fresh wounds. Newly re-opened for his knowledge. For Alonzo to understand. The redhead lifted his hands once more, cold and frigid from the rain. He grasped both sides of Noah's face,brushing away the tears that had pooled in his eyes. He didn't want him to cry anymore. Not over him. Not over her. Not over anyone. " No llovas mas." He said softly. " No more crying." Allie offered only a small smile. " I am sure she is happy now. Cuando personas es muerto, they see what people have done for them." He pushed himself upward on his toes and landed a soft kiss on the other's lips. " I am sure she appreciates all that you gave up and endured for her. So do not cry anymore, please." He whispered softly. " I hate it when you're sad." [/style] MADE BY KIWII OF BTN & OTE |
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Post by noah pelham on Mar 19, 2012 1:31:05 GMT -5
but it didn't matter now. the pain that he'd felt for his sister, the sacrifices he'd made for parents that didn't care about him - they weren't important now. what was important was that he had alonzo, at least a little bit. and if not all of him now, he would hopefully, in the future, be able to mend things. noah wasn't good at fixing messes that were his own. he'd never been able to heal those broken relationships of his past - but he thought maybe that was because he hadn't care about them quite as much as he'd care about allie. not near as much. for allie, he was willing to make the effort.
those soft words again; te amo. they broke his heart and made it swell up again all at once. he pulled alonzo closer, burying his face in the auburn hair, keeping the tears at bay for as long as he could. "i love you." it was a moment before he realized he'd said the words out loud, instead of just thinking them in his head like he'd done before - countless nights next to alonzo, whispering the words over and over in his head that he was too afraid to say.
i love you i love you i love you.
he missed those days. he missed their lazy afternoons laying in bed, but to be honest, he was glad that things were as they were now. as soon as he could, he planned on coming out to the media and general public about them; but he needed to find a good time to do it, a time where he wasn't so vulnerable, a time when he knew he would be strong enough to withstand any of the hits he would receive.
alonzo's gentle words pulled the tears from behind the dam. he felt so ashamed, letting them fall in burning, salty paths down his cheeks - he couldn't remember the last time he'd cried - but he couldn't stop it, not now, not with the soft kisses and the gentle touches and the forgiving words. not when he was so undeserving of alonzo's love.
"i-" he started, and then stopped; he wanted to say so many things, about his sister, how she would have loved alonzo - but he just said, "i missed you so much, allie. so much." he pulled the redhead close again and leaned close, gently bumping their noses together (a little awkwardly) before kissing him. "please. i don't want to ever have to miss you again." oh the shame that sent me off from the god that i loved was the same that sent me into your arms words ### tagged alonzo comments sniff sniff template © lise of back to neverland
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